Goodtalk
Goodtalk

Hard Conversations for Couples

Some talks are hard to have, but harder to avoid. These cards help you talk about what matters in a way that lets you both feel heard. Take no more than three cards at a time, and start and end with something good. It's a conversation game, not therapy.

Good for: Adult couples and close friends. Not for kids, and not for coworkers.

Play 70 cards

Tips for playing

  • Agree on a time and a topic in advance, and start and end by naming something you appreciate about each other.
  • Say "I feel" and "I need" instead of "You always."
  • Stop if one of you feels overwhelmed. You can always pick it up another day.

Depth: lightLight questions

Easy to start with. Good for warming up.

  1. What did you appreciate about the way we talked today?
  2. On a scale from one to ten, how are you feeling right now?
  3. What do you need before we start talking about something hard?
  4. Where do you feel most comfortable when we need to talk about something important?
  5. What time of day works best for you for a serious talk?
  6. What's a sign that you need a break during a conversation?
  7. What word can we agree on for when one of us needs to pause?
  8. What helps you calm down when you get worked up?
  9. What makes you feel listened to?
  10. What have we been good at solving together before?
  11. How would you like us to end a hard conversation?
  12. What can I do to help you feel safe while we talk?
  13. What went well the last time we disagreed and worked it out?
  14. What small thing can we look forward to once we're done talking?

Depth: mediumA bit more personal

For when the conversation is flowing.

  1. What's a topic we avoid that you'd like us to be able to talk about one day?
  2. How would you finish this sentence: "I feel ... when ..., and I need ..."?
  3. What do you think I need most when we disagree?
  4. What do you need most when we disagree?
  5. In your own words, what did you hear me say?
  6. What wish is hiding behind the thing that bothers you most?
  7. How can I best let you know when something upsets me?
  8. What do you wish I would ask you, instead of giving advice?
  9. What did you learn growing up about how to disagree?
  10. How can you tell that you're starting to get angry or upset?
  11. What happens inside you when I pull away from a conversation?
  12. Which of our arguments keeps coming back, and what is it really about?
  13. What would you like me to understand before we look for a solution?
  14. What's one small change that would make a big difference for you?
  15. How can we agree on taking a break so neither of us feels left alone?
  16. What have you done that you'd like to apologize for?
  17. How do you best receive an apology?
  18. What are you afraid I'll think when you tell me something hard?
  19. Which part of our daily routine causes the most friction, and what would you like instead?
  20. How can we split the chores so it feels fair to you?
  21. What matters most to you when we talk about money?
  22. What do you need from me when you're stressed?
  23. How can we disagree without it turning into a fight?
  24. What does it mean to you when I say "you're right about some of that"?
  25. What can we do when we're tired but still need to talk about something important?
  26. What's something I say that makes it harder to talk?
  27. What's something I say that makes it easier to talk?
  28. What do you wish we talked about more before decisions get made?
  29. How can I support you without taking over the problem?
  30. What's been on your mind that we haven't made time for?
  31. What's a boundary of yours you'd like me to understand better?

Depth: deepDeep questions

Take your time. These are the ones people remember.

  1. What can we do differently next time we argue about the same thing?
  2. When have you felt alone in our relationship, even when we were together?
  3. What do you need to hear from me when you're afraid of losing me?
  4. What's hard to say to me because you're afraid of hurting me?
  5. What old experience shapes how you react when we disagree?
  6. When did you last feel misunderstood by me, and what do you wish I had understood?
  7. What are you most afraid will happen to us?
  8. How can I show you that you matter more to me than being right?
  9. What have you been carrying alone that you'd like to share with me?
  10. What would you like us to do when one of us has hurt the other?
  11. What expectation of me have you never said out loud?
  12. What have you stopped asking for, and why?
  13. When have you felt safest with me?
  14. How do you know when a conflict between us is truly over?
  15. What do you hope we'll be able to talk about a year from now that we can't today?
  16. How has life taught you to protect yourself in conflicts?
  17. What should I know about you to comfort you better?
  18. Which decision we've made do you still struggle with?
  19. What would make it easier to tell me what's worrying you before it gets big?
  20. What does it mean to you that we can talk about hard things?
  21. When have you felt that I was truly on your side?
  22. What do you need to know to feel secure with me?
  23. Which of your feelings do you think I overlook most often?
  24. What can we agree on if we don't manage to resolve something the same night?
  25. If we ever looked for outside help, what would you want us to get help with?

70 cards in this deck.