Goodtalk
Goodtalk

Active listening: an exercise for couples and friends, with follow-up questions

Active listening means showing the other person that you heard what they said before you say anything yourself. Here is a ten-minute exercise where you use a card as a starting point and practice repeating back and asking more. It works for partners, friends, and siblings.

What is active listening?

When you listen actively, your attention stays with the person who is talking. You don't interrupt, you don't rush to give advice, and you don't steer the conversation back to yourself. Afterward, you show that you understood by putting it in your own words and asking about it.

Research on conversation suggests that follow-up questions are one of the clearest ways to show interest. In three studies, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more by the people they talked to (Huang et al. 2017). Relationship research points the same way: closeness tends to grow when the person sharing feels understood and taken seriously (Reis & Shaver 1988; Laurenceau et al. 1998).

The exercise: ten minutes with one card

You need two people. One talks, the other listens, and then you switch. Setting a timer helps, so neither of you has to watch the clock.

  • Draw a card from a deck, or pick one of the questions further down this page.
  • The speaker answers for two to three minutes. The listener says nothing but is welcome to nod.
  • The listener repeats the main points in their own words: "So what you're saying is ...". The speaker corrects anything that came across wrong.
  • The listener asks two follow-up questions about what was just said.
  • Switch roles and draw a new card. Finish by each naming one thing you noticed about the other.

How to ask a good follow-up question

A good follow-up question builds on a word or a detail from the answer. If your friend tells you about a bike trip in Vermont, "What made you pick that trip?" works better than "Have you ever been to Maine?"

Avoid questions that are really advice in disguise, like "Have you tried ...?" Save the advice until the other person asks for it. Here are a few openers that almost always work:

  • What did you mean by ...?
  • What was it like to ...?
  • What happened right before ...?
  • Why do you think ...?

When listening is hard

It's completely normal to lose the thread, start planning your own reply, or feel the urge to correct the other person. Notice it, and come back to what is being said.

The exercise is meant for calm conversations. If you're in the middle of an argument, it's better to take a break and try the exercise another day. And no one has to answer a card they don't want to: skip it and draw a new one.

Variations for friends and family

With three or more people, one person talks at a time, and the others take turns asking one follow-up question each. The person who just shared picks who goes next.

If you get stuck, use the Ask more button in the game. It gives you a random follow-up question that fits most cards.

Questions for the exercise

  1. Tell me about something that has been on your mind this week.
  2. What was the best moment of your summer?
  3. Tell me about a time you changed your mind about something important.
  4. Who taught you something you still use today?
  5. Tell me about a place where you felt completely at home.
  6. What have you been looking forward to lately, and why?
  7. Tell me about a decision you're glad you made.
  8. What skill have you built up without anyone else noticing?
  9. Tell me about a day that turned out completely different from what you planned.
  10. What do you do when you want some time to yourself?
  11. Tell me about a book, movie, or song that has meant something to you.
  12. What habit from your childhood have you carried with you?
  13. Tell me about a time someone helped you without being asked.
  14. What would you like to learn but have never gotten around to?
  15. Tell me about a conversation you still think about.
  16. What gives you energy on a completely ordinary day?
  17. Tell me about a time you said yes to something that scared you a little.
  18. What would you do with one extra day off every week?
  19. What made you smile on your way home today?
  20. Tell me about a tradition you'd like to pass on.

Keep playing with the cards

Sources