Communication in relationships: conversation exercises for everyday life

Many couples mostly talk about practical things, and then the hard conversations get harder when they finally come up. Here are four small exercises inspired by relationship research: starting gently, responding to good news, asking more, and taking a break. At the end, you can read about when it's a good idea to get help from outside.

Start gently when something is hard

The way a difficult conversation begins often sets the tone for the rest of it. In a study of newlywed couples, the first three minutes of a conflict discussion were linked to whether the couple later divorced (Carrère & Gottman 1999). The finding has not been tested on a new group of couples, so treat it as a rough guide, not a rule.

A gentle start-up means saying what you feel and what you need, instead of criticizing the other person.

Harsh start-up: "You never think about anyone but yourself."
Gentle start-up: "I get upset when plans change at the last minute. Can we agree to tell each other well ahead of time?"
Practice: Take a small irritation from this week and say it out loud in the form "I feel ... when ... and I need ...".

Respond well to good news

How you respond when your partner shares something good is linked to how the relationship is doing. In a study of 79 dating couples, the response to good news was more closely tied to relationship well-being than the response to bad news (Gable et al. 2006).

A good response is curious and engaged: you ask questions, you're happy for them, and you let the news take up some space. A less helpful one is a distracted "cool" or a quick turn to what could go wrong.

Exercise: Every evening for a week, tell each other one good thing from your day, and let the other person ask two questions about it before you talk about anything else.

Ask before you answer

When your partner tells you about something that's weighing on them, it's tempting to offer solutions right away. Try asking one follow-up question first instead. People who ask follow-up questions are liked more by the people they talk to (Huang et al. 2017), although those studies mostly look at conversations between strangers.

For example, ask: "Do you want me to help you solve it, or do you just want to tell me about it?" Neither answer is better than the other, but it helps to know what the other person needs.

Take a break when an argument spirals

Some arguments go in circles because you're both too upset to listen. Then it's often wiser to stop than to keep going.

Agree ahead of time on a word or a signal that means pause, one that either of you can use.
Say when you'll pick the conversation back up, for example in an hour or tomorrow after dinner.
Use the break for something that slows you down, like a walk, not for polishing your arguments.
When you start again, start gently.

When should you get help?

These exercises are for couples who are doing reasonably well and want to talk better. They aren't enough if your conversations often end in fights you can't find your way out of, or if the same conflict keeps going in circles.

If there is violence, threats, or controlling behavior in the relationship, these exercises are not the right place to start. Contact a domestic violence hotline (findahelpline.com lists them by country). If one of you feels unsafe or pressured, or has been struggling with mental health for a long time, talk to a doctor or a licensed counselor. If anyone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

Questions for the exercise

What's a small thing from this week you'd like to say out loud in a gentle way?
How can I tell that you're starting to feel overwhelmed in an argument?
What do you need from me when you come home after a hard day?
What recent good news did you never get to share properly?
How would you like me to respond when you tell me about something you're happy about?
What did I do the last time you felt really heard by me?
What topic do we often avoid because it usually goes badly?
What would make it easier for you to disagree with me?
What does a break in the middle of a disagreement mean to you?
How can we show each other we're still on the same team when we disagree?
What time of day is best for us to talk about something hard?
What did you learn at home about how people argue?
What do you need to hear from me after we've disagreed?
Which of my reactions makes it hard for you to keep talking?
When did we handle a disagreement well, and what did we do?
What's something I say that makes you feel understood?
When do you want advice from me, and when do you just want me to listen?
How can we make more time to talk about things other than logistics?
What do you like about the way we talk to each other?
What small thing could we both do differently next week?

Keep playing with the cards

Sources

Carrère & Gottman 1999. Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3), 293-301.From the same research group as Gottman's other studies, and the prediction was not tested on a new group of couples. The study does not test whether practicing a gentle start-up helps.
Gable et al. 2006. Gable, S. L., Gonzaga, G. C., & Strachman, A. (2006). Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 904-917.79 dating couples followed for two months. It shows a link, not that a good-news exercise changes a relationship.
Huang et al. 2017. Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430-452.The studies mostly look at conversations between strangers, not couples in long-term relationships.