Goodtalk
Goodtalk

Love languages: questions about what makes each of you feel loved

The idea behind love languages is that we show and feel love in different ways. The research behind it is thin, but asking each other what makes you feel loved is still a good question. Here are questions for a conversation, not a system that puts each of you in a box.

What are love languages?

The idea comes from Gary Chapman, who in 1992 published a book about five ways to express love: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. His claim is that each of us has one preferred language, and that a relationship gets better when your partner learns to speak it.

Many people know the term from online quizzes. But the book is based on the author's own experience, not on systematic research.

What does the research say?

In 2024, psychologists Impett, Park, and Muise reviewed the research that exists on love languages. There isn't much of it, and taken together it does not give strong support to the book's three core ideas: that each person has one preferred language, that there are exactly five, and that couples are more satisfied when they speak each other's language.

Individual studies point in different directions. One study of 67 couples found only limited support for the idea that sharing the same language was linked to satisfaction (Bunt & Hazelwood 2017). Another, with 100 couples, found that people whose partner showed love in the way they themselves preferred were more satisfied (Mostova et al. 2022). So the picture is mixed, and there is no basis for using the five languages as a fixed set of types.

A balanced diet instead of one language

Impett and her colleagues suggest a different picture: love is less like a language you have to learn and more like a balanced diet, where you need a little of everything. Most people appreciate kind words, time together, a helping hand, and a hug, just in different amounts and at different times.

That's why it makes more sense to ask each other than to figure out your type. What makes you feel loved during a busy week can be something completely different from what does it on a slow summer vacation.

The exercise: ask each other for concrete examples

Set aside half an hour, and put your phones away, except the one you're playing on.

  • Take turns picking a question from the list below. You both answer the same question.
  • Give a concrete example from your own life, not a general answer.
  • The person listening asks more: "What was it about that, exactly, that made a difference?"
  • Finish by each naming one small thing you'd like to do for the other person in the coming week.

Questions for the exercise

  1. When did you last feel really taken care of by me?
  2. What words of mine do you still remember, even though it was a long time ago?
  3. What matters more to you: that I say it, or that I show it?
  4. What small everyday help do you notice the most?
  5. When did a gift from me feel exactly right, and why?
  6. What's the best part of an evening when we're just together with no plans?
  7. Which hug from me do you remember best?
  8. What did your parents do when they wanted to show they cared about you?
  9. How do you show love yourself when you're not thinking about it?
  10. Is there something I do out of love that you only noticed later?
  11. What makes you feel missed when we've been apart?
  12. What kind of praise makes you happy, and what kind makes you uncomfortable?
  13. When have I given you something you didn't know you needed?
  14. What task could I take off your plate during a busy week that would make a difference?
  15. How would you like me to take care of you when you're sick?
  16. Which of my habits shows you that I'm thinking of you?
  17. Is there something you'd like more of from me but find hard to ask for?
  18. How would you prefer that I say I'm sorry?
  19. What makes you feel chosen, even after many years?
  20. When have you tried to show me love without me noticing?
  21. How has what makes you feel loved changed since we met?
  22. Which of your friends is best at showing they care, and how do they do it?
  23. When we're with other people, what do I do that makes you feel seen?
  24. Which of the little things I do would you miss most if I stopped?

Keep playing with the cards

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